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You might be going to war when:

Originally started on the Shrapnel forums. Many thanks to all the people who contributed to this list.

Compiled by Atrocities.


1.You have nothing better to do and you have a lot of ships.
2. You receive this message: "Your ambassador made a most tasty snack."
3. Your brother was the ambassador.
4. While on a routine exploratory expedition, your ships are attacked without warning when you open your gun ports and target the newly discovered alien space ship heading your way.
5. You say we "Come in Peace." then forget to turn off the COM channel, and then say, "those idiots won't know what hit them. Arm the weapons."
6. Your gift to the leader of EEE explodes killing his family.
7. The gift you receive from the Xiati explode killing your family.
8. You just became a mega evil empire.
9. Your new colony planet is glassed into oblivion on Christmas day by the Rage.
10. Your communication minister gets drunk and "as a joke" sends a declaration of war to the Phong, then Ted Kennedy tried to drive him home.
11. When you’re a born Redneck Emperor
12. When you insult people with 500% more weapons that you
13. The race you just discovered defiles your religions holy places.
14. An other empire claims your religious talisman is "A curious looking toy."
15. You ally with the two strongest factions and get them to waste their time and attention on each other, allowing you to send fleets into all of their systems and cripple them both in one turn.
16. Another races chemical emissions are threatening your homeworld's environment.
17. You have been deposed in a coup and the government usurped by the military.
18. You require more 'lebensraum' (living room).
19. The other race is so ugly you kill them to preserve your sanity.
20. The other race is so stupid it's not war; it's 'chlorinating the gene pool'.
21. Public opinion demands it.
22. They insult your ancestors, honor demands it.
23. You have a 'Manifest Destiny'.
24. You’re Icaran and you just met a Xeno (read my story to understand), after all they aren't human are they? And humans should rule the galaxy.
25. Your Icaran and you just met someone weaker then you and you have to fulfill your duty of Protecting other humans since obviously their military couldn't or you wouldn't have been able to destroy them.
26. The alien ambassador eats your mother
27. Your father eats the alien ambassador
28. Your first contact with an alien race led to you anal probing one of their "hicks".
29. You find out the other race have anal probes and decide it's so gross that you just have to kill them.
30. The alien race' leader is your ex-girlfriend and when her fleet attacks one of your planets you send a message asking why she did it and she replies "Ohh I think you know why."
31. You have an ex-girlfriend who is the ruler of an alien race.
32. Your empire is factious but features prominently in a sci-fi movie
33. The sum of all your ships, resources, colonies, and other factors like your research capacity has exceeded 500,000 - while the sum of the next largest race in your galaxy is 1.7 times less or 2.5 times if your empire is controlled by a retarded AI computer.
34. As soon as you think you are big enough for your britiches= (pants, trousers, adult clothing). (Which turns out usually your not and you get hammered)
35.You know you have a decisive advantage. Which turns out you never had one in the first place.
36. In the 7th month 3rd day when the toad farts and the howling dog is silent when the Star Poggy is ascendant over the second moon and the Empress says it's ok.
37.When the B--tard other guy has deliberately killed the 4th colony ship you sent into one of his claimed systems. (Irony)
38. It's turn 72
39. You call your mommy on the phone and she tells you not to take that %&^# from some %*^$ing no good ($*#sucking aliens and says you should go to war with them.
40. Your Empire name is "The Galactic Empire" and you've just met a group called "Rebel Alliance"
41. Yur un Ork
42. Yur un Ork
43. You just met an ork and hate that they mentioned themselves twice.
44. Your people are getting restless so you draft a few thousand figuring if they die you don't have to deal with their whining anymore.
45. Your dearest closest ally blows up a star system with 150 of your warships and 8 regiments of your troops in it in order to destroy 30 enemy ships and a few colonies.
46. The first message you receive from an alien race is "How are you gentlemen!!! All your base are belong to us!!"
47. You have a larger navy than you’re nearest neighbor.
48. You have a smaller navy than you’re nearest neighbor.
49. You forget to turn on "AI should make no changes to Empire during Simultaneous Games" under Empire options, or you forgot to select "None" AI when creating your race.
50. You get tired of waiting for the larger stronger empires to get around to dealing with your small geographically challenged empire. So you send your fleet to bite them on the ankle.
51. You nearest neighbor accidentally analyses his entire battle fleet.
52. When someone says to you in response to #51. "Nobody would be that stupid." - but you know you are.
53. You realize you're in a book...And the writer is David Drake.
54. Even worse - The co-writer is S.M. Stirling.
55. Your death ray has been successfully tested
56. Your death ray has been successfully tested on your neighbor’s most populated planet.
57. You just placed a "We Come In Peace" bumper sticker on all of your warships.
58. You have nothing better to do.
59. God told you that you are God.
60. You want to get away from the wife for a while.
61. Scientific accident kills millions, damages the environment, and destroys critical infrastructure. You blame your new neighbors.





Compiled by Atrocities.

Copyright © by the author, posted with permission.

Published on: 2005-03-31 (2391 reads)

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