Written by Hotfoot
To: Director Jon Cameron, Ravenlock Consortium
From: High Priest Rakul, Norak Continuum
Subject: A Formal Declaration of Hostilities
"We declare war!"
The Director called over his aide, "Jenkins, what do you make of this?"
"Er....it looks like the Norak Continuum has declared war on us."
"Right, but who are these people, Jenkins? Why did they declare war on us?"
Jenkins just shrugged, "Damned if I know, sir. Our most recent starcharts show their closest world as being around 450 light years away from the borders of our territory. They'd have to fight through the Praetorians to get to us."
"So what the hell were they thinking? It's not like we've killed any of their people, or stolen any of their territory."
"Well, just imagine the conversation their heads of state must have had, sir. 'Hey, boys, I gots me a hankering for a war. Who's with me?' 'Uh...are you nuts, your excellency? We're hopelessly outclassed by everyone in a two hundred light year radius.' 'Heretic! Guards, take him away!' 'AHH!' 'Now then, who's with me?' 'Uh, we're with you all the way, your excellency!' 'Good, good, now, who should we go to war with?' 'Uh, most of our neighbors are our allies, your excellency. Perhaps we should declare war on the Ravenlock Consortium.' 'They are not our allies?' 'No, your excellency. They are godless heathens! We should declare war on them!' 'Good, good. Send them a formal declaration of war. Let's see if they have the wisdom to surrender to our holy might!' 'As you command, your excellency.' 'You didn't tell him that the Ravenlock Consortium would brush us aside like flies, Grakus.' 'Of course not, do you think I wanted to end up like poor Kangek?' 'But what if the Ravenlock Consortium should attack?' 'Well, there's always painless suicide.' 'That's not very comforting...'"
"...All right, how long have you been waiting to use that one, Jenkins?"
"Oh, you have no idea, sir."
Written by Hotfoot
Copyright © by the author, posted with permission.
Published on: 2004-04-11 (4555 reads)[ Go Back ] - [ Fan Fiction ] - [ Content Home ]